As I mentioned previously, Independent Scientologist (and Church of Scientology critic) Marty Rathbun has had some unwelcome visitors to his town in the form of complete Melvins with cameras strapped to their heads. This has been far from an isolated incident for Rathbun and with the escalation of their stalking, it’s shaping up to be quite the summer of lulz in South Texas. I would list every single time they’ve followed him around in increasingly wacky ways, but they’re making jackasses out of themselves faster than the internet can laugh at them. Instead, I’m going to PREDICT the next video to surface on YouTube of these Scilon shenanigans to save us all the wait…
1. EXT. MARTY RATHBUN’S HOME – MORNING
The view from a shaky handheld camera shows MARTY RATHBUN’S feet and dressing gown. In his free hand he has a cup of coffee as he walks down the steps of his home. Suddenly a large shadow from something above passes over the property. A few seconds later there is a CRASHING sound and SHOUTING off-camera…
MARTY RATHBUN
Well it’s…ahhhh…6:30am on July 23 and I’m just out in my garden on this glorious morning, and the Church of Miscaviage and Corporate Scientology has sent its latest squad to record me.
The camera shakes wildly as he walks over to the foot of a tree. It pans up to show THREE SCIENTOLOGY GOONS dressed in shorts, white t-shirts, sunglasses and red crash helmets. The crash helmets have BAD MS-PAINT ARTWORK of Marty Rathbun’s head on the body of a squirrel. They are caught in a mess of a broken HANG GLIDER and branches. They are suspended ten feet off the ground. Noticing his approach, all three stop struggling, avoid looking at the camera and try to act nonchalantly while dangling there.
MARTY
So…aaah…fellas, what exactly are you doing on my property?
One GOON tries to point his own video camera but it is just out of reach.
MARTY
What are you doing on my property fellas? This is private property. It’s 6:30am, July 23.
The THREE GOONS still avoid looking at the camera.
GOON #1
We’re not…we’re not on your property, Marty.
GOON #2
Yeah, we’re not on your property Marty, we’re Squirrel Busters and we’re here to do an interview with you.
The camera becomes shaky and out of focus as MARTY sips on his coffee before refocusing on the tree.
MARTY
Yes you are on my property. You’re in a hang glider that’s in my tree on my property.
GOON #1
No we’re not. We’re not in a tree Marty. Why won’t you answer our questions?
MARTY
You’re in a tree. In a hang glider at 6:30am.
GOON #3
No, you’re in a tree Marty, we’re not in a tree you are!
GOON #1
Yeah Marty! Squirrels live in trees. You’re the squirrel Marty!
GOON #3
What are your crimes Marty? Why are you up a tree?
MARTY
(muttering under his breath)
He turns the camera around and heads back towards the house.
Off-Camera, the GOONS continue to shout as Marty shuffles indoors.
GOON #2
You can’t put up trees like this Marty! This is our hang glider, we’re calling the cops Marty!
Of course it is infantile to suggest that The Church of Scientology would actually send people to such goofy lengths to get close to his property. Oh wait, never mind…
About Sean Sheep
