With valentines day right around the corner I thought it would be imperative to share with all of you lonely types out there the 5 best types of alcohol to drink when you’re alone and on a budget. This will probably cover about 95 percent of the people reading this.
5.MD 20/20
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| MD 20/20 or as it is more commonly known, Mad Dog, is a low end fortified wine known for getting you totally wasted for about 4 bucks. Mad Dog is popular among middle schoolers for its cheapness and because they have no taste buds. Seriously, I would rather licks a skunk’s ass than drink this. Drink this only if you want to relive your childhood memories of waking up naked in a ditch with all of your money stolen and a note thanking you for the good night. |
4. Early Times
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| Early Times is to fine whiskey like Mad Dog is to fine wine. Early Times is suppose to be a bourbon and is labeled as such everywhere but where its made. Kentucky (which is the home of bourbon) told Early Times to go fuck itself and would not allow this so-called “whiskey” to be called bourbon but allowed this blight on humanity to be called Kentucky Whiskey. Normally you can’t freeze liquor if it is at least 40% alcohol. Not so with Early Times.
Here’s a fun party trick you can do: 1. Buy some Early Times 2. Pour it in a Ice Tray 3.Put it in your freezer over night 4.Wake up and BOOM you have whiskey cubes |
3. 4 Loko
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| Now we are getting into the dark recesses of the alcohol world. 4 Loko has the honor of being the only one on this list to be banned for being too awesome. Drinking 4 loko is like downing a bottle of cough syrup fortified with malt liquor. It pretty much is a bottle of cough syrup fortified with malt liquor, minus the fun parts of the cough syrup that actually get you high. It comes in a wide array of flavors that all taste the same. For about $2 per can, 4 Loko will get you wasted. If you’re lucky enough, it’ll also take you to the hospital and leave you with liver failure. |
2. Cisco
Cisco, also known as “liquid crack”, is a legend in cheap alcohol. Rarely found outside of the slums, it is heralded among homeless men and children with fake ID’s as the most reliable way to get completely shitfaced. Feeling particularly lonely this Valentine’s Day? Down a few bottles of Cisco and you won’t remember your miserable day, or the two days pursuing it.If your feeling realy adventurous or suicidal mix cisco and 4 loko together and and let the good times roll. Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you wake up a few years later homeless and asking guys to go around the corner with you so you can make some money. |
1. Thunderbird
Thunderbird low-end fortified wine is notorious for destroying areas already struck by poverty. For a few dollars, it can leave your very own liver in a similar state of ruin. With a cheap price and a lingering motor-oil taste, Thunderbird will have you forgetting all about Valentine’s Day. Hell, even smelling Thunderbird will kill off enough brain cells to make you stop caring. The very act of touching a bottle will turn you homeless. Thunderbird is potent. Thunderbird also has the distinction of turning your tongue black if you drink to much of it but this has not deterred people from drinking this drink of champions. |
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